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Coherence Therapy was formerly known as Depth Oriented Brief Therapy.

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Coherence Therapy Online Training
Course 700
Obsessive Attachment to Former Lover:
Transformational Change of Core Emotional Schemas
Part C
Links to this course's other parts: Introduction to Coherence Therapy  ·  Part A  ·  Part B
For full coverage of Coherence Therapy methodology, see the Practice Manual and Training Guide.
 
Video Part C (7:10)
Terms of use of video (previously accepted by you in purchasing this course): You agreed to be the sole viewer of this video on your computer;  not to transfer electronic copies of this video to any other computer or viewer; and to use this video solely for purposes of training and education as a mental health practitioner.
Recommended: Print out transcript below to follow as you view video on screen.


 

Transcript of Video

Session 2
Commentary: We see the beginning of session 2, two weeks later. The therapist begins by following up on the between-session task, because he needs to know how the task went, including whether resistance arose, in order to know what to do next in the process of discovering and integrating pro-symptom positions.
T: So I'm interested in hearing about whatever then developed, including how the card was for you.
C: I, um -- [pause]. When we were splitting up I remember having these feelings sometimes that there were two of me. There was a me by myself and there was a me in relationship, and anyway that was a strong feeling at times when we were splitting up and I've kind of gone back to that feeling and -- [pause] --
T: You mean since our last session?
C: Yeah, in the last two weeks. It's like that me that doesn't have any separation from her? It's like, that just -- I see this as kind of like, you know, the slogan, "Silence equals death"? You know, I just see, like, no boundaries equals death. I mean this has been this very, kind of, epiphany for me, in these last couple of weeks. I've just been thinking, no, that doesn't work; that's not right.
Commentary: It is clear that she used the index card and successfully integrated the part of herself (her pro-symptom position) that strives for well-being by merging with her primary attachment figure.

In addition to that progress with integration, the client has just described a transformation experience that developed in response to her integrated awareness. She has indicated the key elements of a transformation experience as defined in Coherence Therapy and as confirmed by memory reconsolidation research:

In the presence of the reactivated target schema -- in essence, "Merging, as in utero, is what I need for being happy and safe" -- she experienced an emotionally vivid, sharply contradictory knowledge -- "No boundaries equals death" -- and then she sustained and kept revisiting that juxtaposition of those two contradictory knowings.

This is a juxtaposition of two incompatible knowings, one of which is part of the symptom-requiring schema, such that both knowings feel real yet both cannot possibly be true. This experiential dissonance is what Coherence Therapy defines as the brain's and mind's condition for dissolution of the one by the other. Understood in terms of memory reconsolidation, a few repetitions of that juxtaposition fulfill the brain's requirements for unlocking synapses maintaining the target, symptom-requiring learning and re-writing or updating it -- not just regulating and suppressing it -- according to the other, disconfirming knowing.

Note that the experience of two incompatible knowledges is different than mere conflict between two different parts, desires or motivations, such as wanting the expansive experience of travel and also wanting the safety and ease of staying home. Those two desires are in conflict, but they are not incompatible knowledges of the same thing, such as the present client's two incompatible knowledges of how the state of merging affects well-being. She came to a simultaneous awareness of "merging is wellness; I want to be you" (her newly conscious pro-symptom position formed early in life) and "merging is ruinous; I want to be me, separate from you." From her account it is apparent that the former was disconfirmed by the latter and lost much if not all of its compelling realness -- a fundamental shift that she termed "an epiphany for me." (The durability of this deep change is apparent in the next video segment from session 10, her final session, four months later.)

Commentary: The purpose of all of the discovery work and integration work in Coherence Therapy is to make the symptom-requiring schema available for a transforming juxtaposition. In this case, the client already possessed the needed contradictory knowledge, which came to fore of her awareness because of its mismatch with the newly conscious material. The process unfolds in that manner in about half of Coherence Therapy cases. In the other half, the therapist guides a process of finding a contradictory living knowledge, using any of about a dozen pathways and techniques that can be effective for this. (Several such techniques are described in Chapters 3, 4 and 5 of Unlocking the Emotional Brain, and a manual devoted entirely to those techniques will be available by the end of 2012 on the Coherence Therapy website.)

Commentary: A fundamental point to understand as a student of this course is the completely noncounteractive nature of the Coherence Therapy work. In other words, for juxtaposition and disconfirmation to occur and produce transformation, the client must first be guided into her pro-symptom position, feeling and embracing the emotional truth of it (the integration process). Any move to get away from, counteract or override the symptom or its underlying material is a departure from Coherence Therapy's methodology. In this sense, Coherence Therapy differs fundamentally from the counteractive strategy of many psychotherapies.

Commentary: Later in this session (session 2) the client reported that her focus on her former lover had largely continued, despite the falling-away of the striving to merge with her. When a symptom-requiring schema is dissolved but the symptom continues, this indicates the existence of at least one other, different symptom-requiring schema. The therapist therefore began the discovery process anew. In the course of sessions 2 through 9, which occurred at two-week intervals, two other, entirely different pro-symptom positions requiring her to hold on to her connection with her ex were brought to light experientially. The integration and transformation of these two other positions was similar in style and rhythm to the first one already shown.

For example, one consisted of an unconscious theme that became verbalized as, "After Mom and Dad's divorce, it looked to me like it's a world where love isn't strong enough to keep together people who love each other. I've got to prove that isn't so, and I've been struggling to prove it isn't so since I was 12. If I let go now of this relationship, it means I've failed and it means love fails to keep people together. So I won't let go!" Her integration of this material led to a rich revision of this early model of love and attachment, with the result that letting her own relationship end no longer had a dire, intolerable meaning about love or the kind of world it is, and so became acceptable to allow.

According to the principle of symptom coherence on which Coherence Therapy is based, people cease producing a symptom when it is no longer necessary to have -- which means, when all symptom-requiring schemas either no longer exist, or have been further evolved such that the symptom is no longer necessary. The next video segment, from session 10, shows that after dissolving three such schemas, this woman reports a very natural, complete falling-away of her two-year, anxious, obsessive attachment to her former lover.

Session 10

C: We had this conversation where it was the push-pull thing... So we did talk for an hour until we were blue in the face -- on the phone... "Somehow," I said, "we have to really dismantle this thing and look at it and build something else. We have to have a certain kind of friendship." And she said -- with just a lot of anger and frustration -- and she said, "I'm not ready for that kind of friendship." And I said... "Thank you for your honesty. That makes all the difference." But I didn't say it pleasantly -- I was kind of mad too. And then we both kind of hung up on each other. I mean it was just, you know, I mean we said a few things like, "Okay, that's it then. Goodbye. Talk to you another time"... And so she was just like, you know, "Well, I'm not ready for that." And I thought, "Oh! -- [Laughs.] -- Oh!!"

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C: But anyway, she said, "No," and I was -- I mean I heard that very simply and clearly. Like, okay. [Laughs.]
T: Did that hurt?
C: It was just so much more true than all the other stuff.
T: Ah.

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C: So, that's why I feel sort of like, "Fine," you know. And actually I was operating under this sort of time pressure. I mean I felt like, well, you know, she's moving 500 miles away, um -- she doesn't really keep contact with ex-friends and people. She's not good at that in my knowing her for 10 years. She's probably not going to make a big change [laughs] you know, on my behalf. She hasn't made other ones. And so I thought, you know, we've got to get something worked out  before she leaves -- and now I just feel like, no, we don't have to get anything worked out. We just don't.
T: That to me sounds like a big step for you.
C: Yeah. It is.
T: That part.
C: It is. It's sort of like well, June will come and go and if she wants to talk to me -- I mean --
T: You don't have to get it worked out.
C: Yeah. Yeah. And to me that's the difference between what we were describing, was this, like, if two people are going to go through this, this is the hallmark of a real committed and attachment kind of thing, and -- for me -- [pause]. Well, it just shows me that I have a greater distance now if I'm willing to say, "No, we don't have to work it out." 

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T: Again, I want to acknowledge that to me that sounds like a significant achievement for you to arrive at that position -- and actually I'm wondering if you being able to be in that position as simply and squarely as you just said -- and with that clarity -- is the resolution of what you came to see me for.
C: I think in many ways it is, because what I'm -- I mean I still have ways that I'm trying to figure out how to kind of interact with people on an intimate or not-intimate level but, but, um -- and I feel like I have questions about that but that it's not that clear. My other stuff is not that clear. This, this feels clear. So, yeah, yeah -- yeah. So I don't actually know how to proceed.
T: Yeah. Me neither.
C: [Laughs.]
T: Feels like we've completed a unit of work or it feels complete in some way. Not finished. Not that there's nothing else that will evolve from this but -- period.
C: Mh-hm.
T: Yeah.
C: Yeah. I mean -- you know when you finish a story, it doesn't mean you're never going to read any others.
T: Right.
C: But you're finished with that one.
T: Right, it's a certain moment.
C: Yeah.
Commentary: The naturalness that characterizes symptom cessation, in-depth change and expansion of well-being in Coherence Therapy is apparent here in session 10. Remaining symptom-free is effortless once the emotional learnings that had been necessitating the symptom no longer exist. Client and therapist each now had the distinct, felt sense that there was no longer anything to work on, and no further sessions were scheduled. Almost a year later, when this woman returned to work on a different matter, she reported that her obsessive preoccupation with her former lover had never recurred.

Note that the work involved nothing designed to directly counteract or prevent her obsessive thoughts and feelings or her compulsive behaviors. The work focused entirely on finding and embracing the underlying emotional schemas -- specific problems and solutions in implicit knowledge -- making these symptoms necessary to have. This led to the transformation of those schemas, and then her symptoms, no longer needed, simply ceased. The observation with each client that a symptom ceases with dissolution of the coherent emotional learnings necessitating it is an empirical corroboration of symptom coherence.

END OF COURSE 700